A little better this week mood-wise, but still I find myself invariably clawing my way from day to day. I'm reading lots of self help books, filled with all the usual platitudes about finding happiness from within, not relying on others, all that stuff. Yeah, that makes sense. It does, but it's more than a little depressing to me.
Why?
Well, I guess because like so many people I wanted to think friends and those who care for you are the most instrumental people on the road to happiness, and that LOVE was the big, universal cure. But sometimes you find yourself numb to it all, disillusioned and just plain tired. Actually, the word LOVE makes me want to puke right about now, mostly because I realize its limitations and now have to acknowledge how I love myself is actually more important than any love anyone else bears for me. Me first, you second. You can't depend on anything else, and how depressing is that.
That runs contrary to my personality. I've never been big on self love, self esteem, pretty much any of the selves save self deprecation. That one I do pretty doggone well. But self love? (And no, I'm not talking masturbation, either... Sorry to burst that bubble.) I mean self love as in accepting yourself, who you are, your limitations, and being your own source of strength, getting yourself through bad times and creating happiness from within.
Isn't it easier for someone else to do that for you? I mean, come on! I'm busy just doing homework, and I have to hold myself up, too?
That sucks.
Obviously, I'm nowhere near becoming enlightened. Ah, I take that back. Enlightenment comes through suffering, through disillusion and through that one grows to develop wisdom. And no, I didn't come up with that. A very dear friend, and a psychologist, did. That was her best advice when I told her how exhausted I am, how disillusioned and tired of waiting for the Universe to even out the playing field for me and show me just a smidge of compassion.
Still waiting for that, and I think it'll be a while. I may as well go brew a pot of coffee.
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About Me
- Lisa Guidarini
- Mum of three, navigating mid-life in suburban Chicago. Rolling down the hill faster and faster every day. Trying to make the best of it.
2 comments:
Lisa said: "Well, I guess because like so many people I wanted to think friends and those who care for you are the most instrumental people on the road to happiness."
I just had a conversation about this with a friend last night. A friend who is distressed and doesn't trust that he can find what he needs "within", worried because everyone out there says we mustn't look to external sources for motivation, that it only exists "within."
I have a different take on it. I think friends and people and relationships are there to help us FIND that strength "within." Sometimes we find the "within" first and benefit ourselves through not needing to lean on others. Other times, leaning on others is the way we find the strength, the courage, the determination to look within. It works both ways. Ultimately, yes, maybe....just maybe.... it's only in ourselves that we find the answer. But there are many ways to get there.
Can we ever find happiness ONLY within? Wouldn't that mean that we wouldn't ever need others? "Needing" isn't a bad thing. It's within the relationships that we find the happiness, I think. Not only in ourselves, not only in other people, but somewhere in that nebulous space between, in the creation and maintenance of the relationship itself.
You've got a 10-year headstart on me, Lisa. I didn't hit this stage till I turned 50.
Donna, I love how you put this. I spent the evening cogitating on it, and it helped me feel better. This has been such a weight on me since I started on this journey. All the books, and all the professionals, tell you that you are the source of your strength. What you see in others that you love is really you reflected back. To me that seems so egotistical, but mostly it just depressed me. It made it seem like all love and friendship are illusions, and there's no reason to trust anyone else, to rely on anyone, to lighten the load. That feels unbearable to me. But the way you put it, that feels a lot better!
:-)
Thank you.
xo
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