As disorganized with this as I am with everything

Is it just me, or do other people think they're way too disorganized in every aspect of life? Even here, with my spiritual quest, I find myself thinking, "You know, you should have this outlined. There must be a logical way for you to progress through this. Maybe there's a book on that."

Yeah, and maybe there's a book on life that I've missed out on, one that explains everything in plain language. One I'll find in my dreams. You know those dreams. You're walking around your house, only it isn't your house, and you discover there's an extra room, or rooms, you never knew existed before. And you marvel, thinking, "Damn! I could really put a lot of crap in these rooms!" Somewhere in that dreamworld room is the book holding the key to life, the Universe and everything. The only problem is when I reach for it in my dreams it turns into a spider monkey. It bites me and runs away, just before I realize I'm not wearing pants, and the room becomes a classroom, and it's the final exam....

So, maybe it is a little anal to think I should find a logical way to progress through this or any aspect of my life. If we'd been handed outlines when we were born I think a lot of us would have committed suicide by now. You want me to WHAT, when I'm HOW OLD?! Screw that. I'm outta here.

Those of us afflicted with monkey mind are always a little paranoid we're not organizing things effectively. Usually we're right. That's the kicker. A small voice inside our primate-infested minds tells us to slow down, take a breath, write out an agenda. Look at things logically and plan. It'll make life so much smoother. Meanwhile our minds are saying, "Chocolate! Bookstore! Cute guy wearing glasses! Did I take my meds this morning? Damn, I didn't! Or did I? I want turkey for lunch!"

It's hopeless. Just hopeless.

This Sunday is Week 3 of the UUC spiritual quest. To be honest, I don't remember what we're working on for next week, but that's okay. I barely remember an hour ago. Hell, five minutes ago. I'm sitting here with 12 windows open on my computer, which is a relatively small number for me at any given time. I've been to a gazillion websites in the past two hours, looking for a gazillion things. And you want me to remember what I'm doing next week?!

Oh, sorry. That was me, not you. I lose track sometimes.

I guess I'm coming along on THE QUEST. Improvements are being made in the form of having just a touch more insight into my monkey mind and all the attendant truths I may or may not believe in. Progress appears to be a really slow thing. I guess there are no quick fixes. That totally sucks ass.

One thing's for sure. I got a lot out of the whole Anne Lamott experience, listening to two of her books on CD within the past couple of weeks. I learned it's okay to be royally messed up, that we pretty much all are, and that it's more okay than we think. In the big scheme of things we really do matter so little, and most things are little things.

I was trying to decide which Anne Lamott quote is my favorite, but it's kind of tough considering I didn't read the physical books so I didn't get to write anything down. I'll probably read the books sometime, but for now the quote I'll pick came from near the end of Grace (Eventually). It was:

"You can get the monkey off your back, but the circus never completely leaves town."

Ain't that the truth?

I'll leave you to ponder that one while I go off to open another dozen windows. So the monkeys can climb out.