Today's Seven Bits of Grace

Consider these as bits of grace from the weekend. From my birthday weekend:

1. Two words: jalapeno cheeseburger.

2. Beer.

3. Finding a bookstore with a biography of Leslie Stephen I didn't already own, and didn't know existed, and having that be my birthday present. Hurrah!

4. Getting away for the weekend, sans children!

5. The weather. It kind of, sort of cooperated giving us hours of sun though not a whole lot of warmth. Still, I'll take it.

6. Fudge. To bring home.

7. The realization at least a couple of my moments of grace didn't involve food: priceless.

Lemons & lemonade

Making the best of your life. That's pretty much the gist of it, though sometimes that's easier said than done. Lots and lots on my plate right now, and I'm not really free to discuss it openly because it's first off highly personal, but second and more inhibiting is the fact keeping a lid on things is advisable, since it involves people in my own family. Maybe I will talk more openly about it once it's done, once I've made that ultimate decision and taken steps to do a few things that may help my fractured soul to heal. But for now it's necessary to be more than a little vague. And yeah, I know that's not all that weird for me at the best of times.

Sometimes in life you find you just can't abide the status quo anymore. That's where I'm at. I've been living a life that's condoned bad things a few key people have done to me, letting them think it must all be okay now when it isn't. The impact on me can't be measured, it really can't. It's affected every other part of my life, to the extent it just can't be ignored anymore or I'll risk hurting myself even more.

Doing something about that is going to take some real planning, and most of my energy. Being the person I am, I don't want to let that monopolize all my time but the time I do have will probably find me exhausted from dealing with these BIG ISSUES.

But I don't want to give the impression it's all bad. Lots of positive things are going on here, too, plenty of reading and writing and things of a creative nature. School's going well, everyone in my house is healthy and doing well, and the dog hasn't pooped in the house today. See, not all grim!

I write about that general life stuff on my Bluestalking blog, so I don't want to repeat it here. This blog's dedicated things spiritual, occasionally blurring into things self improvement. Since I haven't been really all that active in either in the past without boring myself too much. So head on over there for a recap of my birthday weekend, etc.

I'll be back here again soon.

From: Faith by Sharon Salzberg

" No matter what is happening, whenever we see the inevitability of change, the ordinary, or even oppressive, facts of our lives can become alive with prospect. "


What do you think?

This is an idea I've run into in several books on spirituality lately. I think it's a fairly uncomfortable idea to a lot of us, especially westerners, the idea our lives aren't really stable. Stability is an illusion.

Change isn't always good, but it is inevitable. Changes can be made the best of, too. While things are in flux it may cause one to despair, because one thing is passing away, making room for another. But that other?

You never know until you give it a try.

What I'm Reading

Faith: Trusting Your Own Deepest Experience

by Sharon Salzberg

Just started this one, so I don't have anything really to say about it yet. It's my latest read in the spirituality/self help genre, leaning more toward spirituality.

Then again, the two are really related, aren't they?

I'll post on it when I've gotten far enough to have something of interest to say. It's gotten really good reviews at Amazon. I anticipate it being an engaging read.

But I'll let you know.

Today's 7 Bits of Grace

I posted, over on my other blog, about what a crap day I'm having so far. I won't bore you by duplicating, but trust me. It's sucked. And it's not even noon.

But despite that, I'm going to find seven bits of grace, DAMMIT!

1. It's cold as hell outside, and so windy I thought my hair would blow off leaving me bald. But at least it's not snowing. Right now.

2. A national publication asked me to submit an essay to them, on spec. SQUEEEEAL!

3. Subway. Roast beef. Pepper Jack cheese. Hot giardinera.

4. Neal Pollack's dude at Anchor wants to know if I want to interview him. I mean Pollack, not the dude. Umm, give me half a second to think about that one. YESSSSSSSSSSS!

5. I can't feel my forehead lines today.

6. It's almost lunch time. (see # 3)

7. I've been feeling like such total crap because I'm behind reading for the blog bookgroup I'm in, but then I found out one of the guys is nearly as much a sloth as I am.

Phew. This one was a squeaker. But I made it.

How do Unitarians celebrate Easter?

" Live your beliefs and you can turn the world around. "

- Henry David Thoreau

We attended Unitarian services this sunny but cold Easter Sunday. Having no idea what to expect, we came away well pleased with the direction the leader of our church chose to take the sermon.

As I always say, expect little. That way you'll be rewarded even more when you do get something.

Unitarians, as you may know, don't have a creed. Neither do they (I would say "we," but my husband hasn't yet claimed them and I'm brand new to the church) espouse any particular beliefs. Rather, they're a sort of catch-all for people who feel disenfranchised by all the other world religions. As my husband describes it, if you were to put everyone from every major religion in a big sieve and shake it, the ones left over would be qualified for Unitarian status.

That's pretty much the truth. The Unitarians welcome everyone, regardless of religion. There are even atheists who subscribe to the church's membership. Why? Well, because Unitarians believe it's right and good to gather together, pool resources and do good things to help people. They believe in supporting and loving one another without benefit of fear instilled by a stern God sitting in judgment over them. They try to live well for the very best reason: because it's the right thing to do.

I can dig that.

The message today was one of renewal, the same as you'd find in the Christian services on Easter day. It's just minus any belief in the resurrection, a core tenent of the Christian faith. Same general message, minus the religious part.

It's spring, time to get out and enjoy life after the long, cold winter. It's the time for rebirth and renewal, a time of beginnings and of relief the days are getting longer and the weather warmer. That's what it's all about, and that's how the Unitarians celebrate Easter. It's the same general spirit as any other religion, when you get down to the heart of it. It's all about promise and hope.

Hope you had a very nice holiday, whatever you celebrate (or don't). Happy spring!

Reading Wayne Dyer

I'm not sure how to feel about Wayne Dyer. On the one hand, he's the dude PBS calls on when they need to raise a lot of money very quickly. He's so popular he's kind of like Dr. Phil. And I don't have a whole lot of respect for Dr. Phil. Why? Because he's too damn popular. Anything popular must be mass market, and I generally like to travel outside of the pack, where the original people are.

Still, I have to tell you, I just finished reading Dyer's Your Erroneous Zones and I sure did highlight a lot of passages in it. An awful lot. I found some good wisdom in it. It's not wisdom nobody's thought of before, or wisdom that sounds completely original. But it is wisdom of a fairly universal nature, as in stuff I can't really argue about. Even things I find myself nodding in agreement to.

Ah, the dilemma of it all.

I started keeping a self help book journal in honor of finishing this book, so I could write down the key points. That's how much I wound up enjoying it. I know, TOTAL NERD.

But here are a few things I found:

"You are the sum total of all your choices."

Duh. But think about it. Really think. You are responsible for yourself. Your screw ups are not someone else's fault. Man, that's empowering and scary, isn't it?

"The issue here is your own ability to choose happiness, or at least not choose unhappiness, at any given moment of your life."

In other words, QUIT WHINING, LOSER!

He never used the "l" word, but I have a strong feeling he really, really wanted to.

That's tough though, isn't it? You have to give up all that satisfying whining crap and just choose to be happy. But it's way more dramatic the other way. Ugh.

"Why should you do everything well? Who's keeping score for you?"

Damn. That's true. I drive myself, and I pretty much knew that. I have a certain set of expectations for me, not that I always meet them. In fact, I hardly ever do. Do I drive myself too hard? Probably. Probably.

"Entertain yourself with a fantasy in which you allow yourself to have anything."

It's one of those "if you can dream it you can realize it" things. And yeah, I guess that's so. Theoretically. But what I'm fantasizing about now is being Oprah's next wunderkind. That leads to untold prosperity, which leads to complete security and a ticket out of the damn suburbs to someplace with more character. Can I do that?

Maybe if Wayne lends me some of his millions.

You get the idea. It's all this sort of motivational stuff, and most of it's pretty good actually. Scary to hear myself say that. I guess this Dyer guy is okay, unlike Dr. Phil who's a complete media whore. Wayne Dyer has a very Zen philosophy, in a tough love way.

I'll read more by Dyer. In fact, I own three or four of his other books already. He's okay, I've decided.

Photo - the grotto at my undergrad alma mater

I'm not Catholic anymore, and haven't been for a really long time, butI still find the image of the crucifix to be strikingly dramatic. It doesn't move me like it used to. I just find it artistically and aesthetically appealing.

This is a close-up detail photo of the Rosary draped around the hands of the statue of Mary that's the main focus of the grotto on the grounds of my alma mater, Dominican University in River Forest, IL.

Next to the grotto was a major makeout place, a hill in a secluded part of campus that was the destination of many canoodling couples. My first date with my first boyfriend ended up there, but I didn't get so much as a kiss. Instead, we lay on the grass looking up at the sky, while I couldn't help wondering if he'd ever roll over and lay one on me, already. I was all dressed up and everything, dammit!

Such a fool that one was. He didn't. At least on that occasion. It's still a nice memory, though. One of the only pleasant times I had with the one I not only let get away, but threw away with great force. A very wise move, as it turned out.

The grotto was never so much a religious spot for me as it was a contemplative one. I walked out there when there was something bothering me, when I had a heavy burden on my mind and needed a little alone time to think things through.

It was tranquil there, and it still is.

I was the only one there this morning, just after dawn when I walked around the campus. The ground was still muddy from winter, and a couple piles of snow still lay on the ground, but the tranquility was, for lack of a better term, heavenly.

In spring they plant flowers by the grotto, filling the space with color. Now it's uniform grey and brown, dull as the end of winter always is.

But it's still a beautiful place, a place of peace and tranquility.

Today's 7 Bits of Grace

1. Publishers, and the delightful books they send me for review! It can get overwhelming, but the piles are a beauteous bounty. And yeah, I know. This isn't the first time I've been grateful for them. Occasionally everyone has re-runs.

2. The outlet of art. I'm fortunate I can blow off proverbial steam in writing, especially, but I also plan to indulge my love of creating in other ways in the near future.

3. Spring break!!! No grad school classes for me this week.

4. A family day scheduled for Good Friday. No idea what we'll do, but I'm sure we'll find us some fun.

5. Lay's potato chips! Nothing goes better with my daily turkey sandwich, though I'm *supposed* to be eating carrots instead...

6. Friends. And green beer.

7. Antacids. And sleep.

The zen of sleeping in

Didn't make UUC services this morning, as we were out late last night par-taying it up for St. Paddy's Day. My best galpal from college and her beau came along with us to see comedian (a loose term, as it turns out) Colin Quinn perform locally. After that, as it was a holiday and all, we went to our local microbrew restaurant for a few "samples." Several plastic glasses, much loud, live music and loud namings of anatomical parts later, we realized how late it really was (an astounding 1:00 a.m.) and had to head home. Luckily, for us the drive was short. Unluckily for galpal 'n beau, not so short.

Anyhoo, I'm upright and dressed today, but with a pounding headache starting at the base of my skull. Tra la!

So, nothing of a truly spiritual nature to talk about today. Spirits, yes, but not so much spiritual, unless you count the wisdom found at the bottom of a glass. At times that's not to be underestimated, I'll grant you that, but for today I'm just nursing my exhaustion and looking forward to a good nap.

Hopefully you can find some inspiration in that, though God knows what it would be. Good times, good friends, bad stand-up comedy. Green beer, interesting Irish-inspired headgear and lots of laughs. It's a good thing.

Hangin' in

" The horizon leans forward, offering you space to place new steps of change."

- Maya Angelou


A thought occurred to me today. They tend to do that sometimes. I realized I've been saying "hang in there" to a lot of people lately, friends or acquaintances having difficulties with a wide variety of things, dragging them down. It's my form of counseling, my attempt to enforce my hope the person will find strength when he or she needs it, so they can cope with difficult times. It's a catch-all phrase most of us use from time to time, a sort of shoring up, letting the person know we care.

A lot of life is made up of hanging in there, basically waiting out tough times and hoping better things are right around the corner. Much like the time we spend waiting, whether in line or at the doctor's office, whatever, this "hanging in there" time is a sort of dead time, a time of suspension.

It also occurred to me, what a waste this time can be. It's stagnant and unmoving as we resort to some sort of primal hibernation instinct, a self-protecting reflex designed to prevent us from any more harm while we work out what's first and foremost on our minds.

What I do when I'm faced with a big life challenge like this is journal about it. I like to look at things from a variety of perspectives, taking the different sides of myself into account and commenting to my core, my "higher self" as it's so commonly called, talking things out until I feel I have a better idea what's going on. Often when you really dig into things solutions will occur to you, or sometimes just temporary patches that will make things feel a little better and allow you to move on.

We all have those dead times in our lives, whole weeks and months, sometimes years when we're static, making little or no forward progress whatsoever. The evil in that is it's time you can't get back, no matter how much you may wish it. We know the best thing to do is to get unstuck and move forward, but that's so much easier said than done. For the time that is gone, that we can't get back, the important thing is to figure out the lesson and move forward as positively as you can. But while you're stuck, it's equally important to work hard to dislodge yourself, moving out of the rut as best you can and as quickly as possible.

Maybe I should change my "hang in there" phrase to something more like, "write on!" or "talk it through." It occurs to me now that telling someone to essentially stay in place, hoping life will step in and move them forward may not be the best idea after all. Getting them unstuck is much more crucial, helping them through the rough patch until they can find a new grip on things.

Funny how sometimes the most common, everyday things we say suddenly become epiphanies when we really stop to think about them. That's another step toward the goal of the life that's lived, rather than the life spent waiting around for something to happen. And I'm not some guru, not some perfect person (ask my husband, he'll tell you...), but I have found becoming more conscious of every little thing can lead to a whole lot of bigger ones.

So, don't necessarily just hang in there when life gets tough. That's my advice. Write it out, talk it out, think it through, whatever's your style. And keep moving forward.

Today's 7 Bits of Grace

1. Whipping the younger of our two dogs into a frenzy is not only fun, but damn funny. It doesn't matter what you say so long as you say it in a really, really excited voice. Lia seldom fails to entertain (save when she craps on the floor).

2. Sunny and 55 degrees today! After a long winter that was just what the doctor ordered.

3. Brownies, glorious brownies.

4. A health club membership, to counteract the effects of # 3. Well, only if I haul ass OVER there. But I know it's there. That's the good part.

Right?

5. Dress pants with just enough spandex in them so the dryer doesn't shrink them as much as it might otherwise. (See # 4)

6. Writing in my journal, and the release that gives.

7. An interview with a Booker Prize winner! I can't complain. (Well, maybe I won't go that far.)

Thursday? GACK!, and recalling a dream

I would have sworn it was just Sunday yesterday, the day I go for my latest dose of UUC. I planned to post here immediately after that, but life, dear reader, most decidedly got in my way. It can be such a bitch that way.

Anyhoo, too busy now to really update you much, but I did want to report this wild dream I had, mostly so I can remember it.

I dreamed I was married to Michael Jordan, yes the former basketball player. Michael and I were in the basement dungeon (?) of our palatial home when I realized we had both a tiger and a lion running through the place. The beasts were threatening our pets and children, so I knew something had to be done. Michael jumped up, grabbed the beasts, and somehow locked them in a closet. Now, that was resourceful and all, but I somehow didn't trust a wooden door to keep us all safe. So I gathered up all the children and our pets and started up the stairs to get out of the house, while Michael kept that closet door closed. He's so selfless that way!

Then I realized our cats had had kittens (for the record, we own two MALE cats in real life - two neutered male cats) and these were running all over the place. I had to grab every one of them. I was scared to death they'd be eaten! So I eventually did get them, and headed up the stairs to safety, though I did still worry about Michael.

Then I woke up, to my real life husband shaking my shoulder saying, "Oh my God, it's 7:30! Wake up!"

Fun to have a weird ass dream I can actually remember. Usually they go POOF as soon as I wake up. This was one of those groggy, fall back asleep and dream dreams, and I was able to recall it this time around.

That's it for now. Will return with more thoughts spiritual, and another list of 7, when I can.

Today's 7 Bits of Grace

1. Banana pancakes - mmmm....

2. Sleeping in a little later than normal is a good thing.

3. The sun peeked out for a while today after a snow shower that amounted to nothing.

4. I'm meeting friends tonight at Borders!

5. They have coffee at Borders.

6. I have lots of homework, but a lot of it is reading. :-)

7. We're starting to talk about summer vacation plans here, and we may get to go east again - Hurrah! Or, if not east, perhaps west as far as California. But I wouldn't bank on that.

Sundays... BLECH.

" The feeling of Sunday is the same everywhere, heavy, melancholy, standing still."

- Jean Rhys


My question today is why do Sundays tend to feel so awful? I don't have a job I dread going to on Mondays or anything. That would explain some of it, but I love working in a library. What bibliophile wouldn't? So why does the last day of the week leave me feeling so melancholic? I can't quite get my head around that, even if it does seem like a fairly universal thing, dreading Sundays.

Sundays are usually pretty good days here, especially lately. Paul and I have gotten into the routine of going to breakfast and then to UUC services on Sunday mornings, sometimes hitting a bookstore after, sometimes going to Starbuck's. It's not like we have nothing to look forward to at the end of the week. I do usually have homework to do on Sundays, but I don't hate that, either. It's library school, after all. It doesn't (usually) suck.

So why do Sundays leave me with that feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach? They just feel so sad to me, so lacking in hope, no matter what the actual state of my day is. They're like one long string of grey days, unremittingly dismal.

It could partially be the weather, and the fact this has been a loooooong, dragged out season of cold and snow. The good news is today we set the clocks ahead, giving us more daylight hours in the evening, shortening those seemingly endless nights to something a little more manageable. I'm hoping as things warm up I'll perk up a little on Sundays, and as the days grow longer things will seem more positive.

I'll be back either later today or tomorrow to report on this week's UUC message. In the meantime, hope all's well with you and yours.

Now I'm off to do homework. The homework that doesn't suck, in case you were wondering.

I'm okay, you're okay. But mostly, I'm okay.

Welcome to the weekend, yet again. It's been, how shall I put this... an eventful week. It's one I'm glad to put to virtual bed, that's for sure. Though I've had worse weeks, I wouldn't want to repeat this last one anytime soon.

And yeah, that's being purposely vague. If you want to know details, buy my memoir! And no, isn't written. Yet.

Homework-intensive weekend here since I'm behind on pretty much everything. Headlining the action is a mini-research project that shouldn't hopefully take more than another hour or so to finish. Then I have another 1,000 hours' worth of other reading for school.

UUC tomorrow, followed by more... you guessed it! Homework.

So, you see, the excitement continues.

Quote: Anna Quindlen

" The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself. "

- Anna Quindlen

Today's 7 Bits of Grace

Alright. Gritting my teeth here, but I am determined to find 7 moments of grace from the last day or two since I've not posted on the topic:

1. Got another homework assignment done and turned in for library school.

2. Bill Bryson's recent book on Shakespeare is on audio CD, and I've been listening to that lately. I don't retain facts well, so I'm always due for a good biographical reminder on Mr. S. Shocking how much I'd forgotten.

3. Much of our snow has melted away.

4. Eventually I must be able to sleep again.

5. In a few hours I'll be able to drink coffee.

6. Umm.... Well... I still haven't caught a horrible virus this winter, at least not one that kept me down over a day or two.

7. This weekend we turn the clocks ahead, so it'll stay light later. Thank goodness.

Phew. Made it through. Trying to tell myself it'll get better... It'll get better...

INSOMNIA

Welcome to my sleepless nights.

I'm in an insomnia pattern. Fun! This is night, oh, three or so of getting just about as little sleep as is humanly possible to function.

It's nearly 2:30 a.m. now and I haven't slept a wink. Last night and the night before I had little catnaps through the night. But tonight, nada so far.

The good news is I have plenty to read. Finding something to do isn't problematic, it's just knowing I'll feel like crap tomorrow that makes me a little bummed.

So, may as well report in on what I realized earlier today I still hadn't done, UU lesson # what was it... four?

The topic: what I believe about life. Examples: People are generally good, I have to roll with the punches and enjoy what life gives me, stuff like that. That's what some other people said re: what they feel is true.

But as for me? Hmmm. Let's see. One thing I believe in is karma. The Christians refer to it as the Golden Rule. Basically, how you treat others comes right back to you. It's not supposed to work out in this life that you see the immediate results. That's the stuff of several lifetimes, if you believe in that kind of thing. But I think a version of it is more instant than that. Some of it does come back around. I've seen it. It may not be properly karma, but it's close enough for me.

Other beliefs in life... Well, it's hard to believe people are generally good, at least right now. Actually, it's not a good time for me to even delve too deeply, methinks. I'll stick with a firm belief in something resembling karma, and leave it at that.

Now I'm going to go write a column, since it's nearly 3:00 and I'm still not sleepy. Maybe once I get a rough draft done I'll be able to get some rest. I hope.

Karma's whippin' girl

" I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird. "

- Paul McCartney


" Huh?"

- Lisa Guidarini


In case you aren't getting the drift, I'm a person to whom things just tend to happen. There's something about me that attracts weird and wild things and people, totally against my will. That's always been the case. People on the fringes of society, for example, are attracted to me like it's a magnetic force beyond their power to resist. If you observed it from above, as an apparently sado-masochistic supreme being very possibly does (and I am his/her favorite form of entertainment, obviously), you'd see that when I pass through a crowd, any crowd, all the yahoos gravitate toward me. I can't be angry with them. They can't help it. But it's getting annoying as all hell.

It's not just that, either. Gravity is stronger around me. Compare my frequency of dropping things to the average and you'll see what I mean. Embarrassment happens to me more often, and Murphy's Law? Written for me. Totally for me.

I'm really a fairly unassuming person. I don't go out of my way to attract notice, and in fact I pretty well shun it. Yeah, okay, not online. Online I'm a big publicity hoor. I jump up and down and wave my arms, I fearlessly approach big name authors, I leave no chance untaken. But in real life? Wallflower, baby. Wallflower. You'd so not approach me to ask to sign my dance card at a party. I'd open my mouth and shoot out fire at you, or hypnotize you with eyes that pop out of my head and swirl around and around, transfixing you until you forget what you were going to ask in the first place. Needless to say, I'm a big hit at parties.

So, why exactly it is that action of the most dramatic nature seeks me out I don't know. And I may be just a really big crybaby here. Wah, wah, poor ME. But I could get some sworn affadavits from several people attesting to the fact stuff does happen to me, and it's vastly out of proportion to stuff that happens to other people. It's been verified, people! Verified! And it's making me really tired. Really tired.

I need a vacation. Or maybe even a short retreat. It's been a long, long year, one I wrote masses of pages about, trying to figure at least some of it out. I sat down with my primary journal for a while last night, paging through it looking for insight. Frankly, it reads like something a crack whore would have written while on a roller coaster, while also having a really bad trip. And then the roller coaster car flies off the track and through the air, skimming over the carnival, skipping across the tops of the tents. Meanwhile the crack whore is alternately laughing and gripping the safety bar, white-knuckled. That pretty well describes it.

From entry to entry nothing stays consistent. Well, nothing but my whining. Much like the constant tinnitus I suffer from, the tinnitus that would drive me mad in a totally quiet room, the background refrain of my journal sounds like the noise a mosquito makes when it buzzes your ear in the middle of the night. ANNOYING.

That's not to say none of my points are valid. They are, but it's so obvious I couldn't make up my mind on a goddamn thing. One day it's one thing, the next it's the total opposite. That's what you call a confusing time. And in the midst of it, THE OTHER, the controlling friend who maybe wasn't such a great friend. The great chimera, the force that nearly destroyed me. And I totally bought into it, like I was born yesterday. Idiot.

So now I'm left thinking am I the one attracting all this chaos without realizing I'm doing it? Or are there outside forces fucking with me, just for the sheer entertainment of it all. If so, that's so not nice, and it's one of the very biggest reasons I have such a problem with all of this higher power stuff. Bad things happening to good people (and I don't just mean me here), horrible things and not just annoyances, while nasty people glide along through life. Why?

Just one of the many things I grapple with on a daily basis. Or, well, sometimes just weekly. I keep pretty well occupied. But this one's a biggie. A veritable hugie. It's one I can't find an answer for, at least not one that satisfies or even satisfices. Some things I can content myself with just not knowing. I don't have a problem with open-ended questions. Things like the Universe, that I can deal with (though it freaks the hell out of my kids). But this one? This one I just don't get. I don't know why it all has to be such a challenge. Why it's all so hard, more so for some than others. Why do so many bad things happen to people who've already been loaded down with crap?

Why?

If anyone can "riddle me this" I'd be so appreciative.

Toxic Shock

"Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength."

- August Wilson (1945-2005)

There are people on this earth who, no matter how much credit you try to give them, constantly disappoint. But not only do they disappoint, they also have the destructive potential to wreak havoc on your life, and cause grave harm and hurt to you and others you care about.

Naturally, we'd love to give people the benefit of the doubt in every instance. Most people would like to think the best of others. I think that's so. But much life experience has taught me otherwise. Not everyone is good. So many are selfish, deceptive and awful no matter how much we'd like to think well of them. Some people are simply toxic to the soul.

In some cases it may be that it's a certain combination of individuals that makes the toxicity, that there's something about the mixture of the two that turns corrosive, no matter how hard they may try to get along. Separately the two are fine and good but together the mixture is awful. Or it could be that one of the individuals is just a genuinely bad person. It can be hard to discern the difference when you're in the midst of it all; it's only afterward that you can look back coolly and rationally and see how it really was.

There come times in all our lives we find we have to break from people who have the capacity to destroy us, from these toxic people who would be ruinous to our lives if we let them be. Especially those of us with a self-destructive impulse, we have to be even more vigilant because it isn't in our nature not to be self-shielding. It's much more dangerous in cases like this, and much more crucial to break the cycle. And it's better not to go this alone, without help from caring people who honestly have our best interests at heart. Discerning who these good people are can sometimes be a challenge, but they are out there.

I had to break from a toxic person recently, from someone who seemed intent on destroying me through a series of manipulations I didn't even see as manipulative for so long it's almost embarrassing. I have my share of blame, too. I'm not saying I don't. Nothing is ever just one person's doing, but it's usually one person who has to stand up and say ENOUGH. This has gone on too long. It's been a difficult and emotionally draining thing, but with every day that goes by I feel that much stronger, more certain I've taken the right action.

Life has so many rites of passage, some we know to expect and others, like this, that are unpleasantly unexpected bumps in the road. Like everything that happens to us, the important thing to take away is how you'll use the experience going into the future. What's past is past. You can't change any of that, no matter how much wishing and wanting you do. All you can do is look at what positives you can draw, and how you can use the experience to go forward with your life.

The positives won't always be obvious. Sometimes you'll have to dig for them, but they'll always be there in some form. At times the only positive you'll find is the added wisdom the event gave you, the lesson being the lesson in itself. Though it's tough, that may be the only take-away grace from a really bad experience.

But in any event, grace it is.

Today's 7 Bits of Grace

Some days this exercise is so easy. Other days? Not so much.

Today's a not so much.

1. My new haircut is positively PERKY!

2. For my grad school homework I need to read a novel. I'll repeat that: READ A NOVEL.

3. It was 50 degrees today, even if it is grey and drizzly.

4. Ummmm.... I mentioned the hair, mentioned the reading... weather... Oh, I finished another homework assignment and got it turned in.

5. Bagel and lox for breakfast this morning, from Einstein bagels. YUM.

6. The kids have been pretty quiet today, no fights to mention.

7. The choice in the 2008 election will be between a Democrat and a pro-choice, liberal, non Bible-thumping Republican. That's about as good as it gets, people.