One word to describe the current state of my life:

Fractured.

The good Rev. Dan from the UUC asked us this past Monday night how we'd sum up our spiritual lives right now, what sums up our current state, where we are in our journeys. I couldn't come up with the perfect word that night. I had no idea what to say.

Other people piped up with theirs right away, using words like "grateful," and "compassionate," even "glass half full," then there's me, thinking you people are all so much more in touch with yourselves than I am. You're making me look like a complete shit. Great, I thought to myself, I'm even a failure at my own spirituality. How stupid is that?

Rev. Dan leaned forward and looked at me hard, his eyes boring into my skull like a drill through rock. He thought a minute, then suggested the word "struggle" to me, as though he could peer right through my skull into my disordered mind and see the turmoil churning away. It made me shift in my chair a bit, fielding that intense look. I don't even know the guy, you know? And here he was suggesting I'm struggling like a bug on its back.

Still, that didn't completely cover it. Struggle definitely isn't out of the realm, but it's not the best word. After thinking about it overnight it finally came to me: "fractured" fits me better.

It applies for so many reasons: the state of the last year of my marriage, the state of my creative life, etc. It also has applied to me as a person for the first 41 years of my life. Having gone through a complete loss of faith in any good whatsoever in either a supreme deity or in humanity, it fits that as well.

Being a creative person, a complete disorganized train wreck of a human being, I don't think I'll ever achieve a total state of unity. That's the goal, of course, the idea of perfection. And I'll nudge up as closely to it as I can, but I'll never be that person. I have too many interests, there are too many facets of myself. And it's not wrong not to be simple. It's tougher, but it's not wrong. It's me.

That's not to say I don't sometimes envy other people who seem to have it all together. Their organization is inspiring, but you know what? Between you and me, it's also a little limiting, and even claustrophobic. Where's their impulse? Do they ever branch out? I couldn't stand that, being so limited to what you are that you aren't ever someone else, even just for a while. There's no growth in that. Not a lot of interest, either.

I'd rather be a little on the sloppy side than have all my ducks in a proverbial row. If my ducks get out of line sometimes I hardly notice. If I were one of them I'd fly into a rage when life hit a speedbump. I don't need that. A bit of organization? A little more effort keeping my mind on a task? Okay. That's good. But I can't get caught up in the perfection trap. Some would say I'd have an awful long way to go before I'd have to worry about that, and yeah that's so. But I want to state now that I'm not going to go Shaker. It may be a gift to be simple and free, but a little complexity is necessary to nurture creativity.

I'll have to live with some of the scatter-brained nature that goes hand-in-hand with my creativity. I'll have to overlook some mess, some impulse. Even sometimes a lot of impulse. But I want and sincerely need a bit more structure. Not to the extent it's stifling, but enough so I feel I have some grip on my life.

How does this all relate to spirituality? Well, in the UU definition, by "spirituality" they mean "life." Because they don't subscribe to any dogma they leave terms like spirituality open to encompass everyone's belief (or non-belief) system, so their definitions aren't always what you'd expect. I like that about them. I like a lot of things about them, but the complete freedom to choose your own meaning is probably my very favorite aspect of the UUC. It's also probably why it appeals to someone like me, a borderline ADD personality with more neuroses than you can shake a straitjacket at. But there you have it.

Now, knowing what word I feel sums up my life I can work toward my goals.

Phew! One less thing to worry about. I'll take what I can get when I can get it. Consider that my motto.