Mood Swing

I'm not feeling very forgiving right now, contrary to my post earlier in the day. In fact, I'm feeling rather outraged.

Total mood swing. From what I've learned I know to honor the feeling. Honor it by saying, "I see your eyes have turned red, your face is all stern and your jaw is set. Yes, you are one pissed off bitch."

Acknowledge it, deep breath in, exhale.

And I'm still pissed.

I'm pissed at all the injustice, all the crap thrown at me in my life. My most productive outlet is my creative one, and since I don't know where I left my damn written journal (which is where this rant properly goes) I'm writing it here.

Good mood gone. Grr.

Earlier, to change the topic to something better, I wrote a bit about last Sunday's UUC service in my journal dedicated to that particular journey. Though there's some overlap here with what I've already written, I still don't feel that's quite a done deal. I didn't write here, for instance, about the reading last Sunday. It was from Henry David Thoreau, the quote about not wanting to die realizing you've never lived:

" I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, , and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. "

Living deliberately is so vital to me, even if doing so guarantees a more emotional roller coaster of a life. The alternative is the half life so many other people live, comfortably set up, worry-free, being taken care of by other people, letting everything important in life just pass right on by.

Do I want that? To be honest, sometimes I do. The life I live is so often much more tortured than the average person's. I always suspected that was so, and recently I had that suspicion confirmed. Creative types lead more screwed up lives. I think we have more layers of feeling, more soft underbelly, and there are always those out there waiting to claw at it, to gnaw at it, biting through muscle and bone.

I'd say that's a total mood swing but again, recognize its right to be, acknowledge it, let it flow right over. Hope tomorrow's a better day.