Egomaniacs, and the people who tolerate them

Today's lesson, a lot of people suck. Talk amongst yourselves...

People can be really selfish, and I'm not exempting myself from that, either. I know it's a natural thing to look out for number one, but I'm also not exaggerating when I say that's not my natural style. Because of my background I've turned into a generally selfless sort of person, but that also means selfless to the extent of letting others run me over. Go ahead! Use me! It's okay. In fact, I insist!

Oy.

Of all my flaws I need to work through this year, this is one of the top three deserving of serious time and attention. Giving of yourself is a great thing. Giving more of yourself than you should isn't. There's a fine line there, and I've never quite recognized it. That's because, I know now, people in my life didn't respect that line with me when I was growing up. They took more from me than they should have.

Whoa, what an understatement!

So it becomes a pattern, that giving. The self gets buried underneath the desire to be overly compliant (because that's how you survived when you were little) until it becomes destructive to one's soul. You let others do as they wish without standing up and saying THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

Enough of that. Enough.

How to harden myself appropriately, without erecting a castle wall is the problem I haven't worked out yet. It's my natural reaction to hole away when life gets rough. It may take a while to figure out exactly how to change that. It'll take a lot of outside help, but I know it's a very doable thing. It'll just take a lot of help and advice along the way.

That's one reason I'm so addicted to self help books. Though a lot of them are the same trite crap repeated over and over, with a different twist added, a few of them actually have kernels of wisdom. Self help books are a pretty good thing, but to tell you the truth, I think I'll have had more than enough of them by the end of this year. At some point it'll be nice not to need that crutch, or maybe just not to need it so regularly.

Another highly recommended bit of advice is to work on expanding your social network and the number of satisfying activities you're involved in. Hence the UUC endeavor, both for the community and the spiritual elements. I think they'll be key to helping me find ways to accomplish worthwhile things that are really helpful to others. It's a satisfying feeling helping other people. It gives you a boost that takes you out of yourself and your own problems, giving you a sense of real worth and purpose. But even with that, there's a line to be drawn, a point at which you're giving all you can. You also have to take good care of yourself.

That's a good thing to end with. Take good care of yourself.

Here, take a scorecard

It's fun being me! =:-D

Nah, it's not so bad. I'm doing better today than I was yesterday evening, when flames shot out of my eyes, incinerating all around me. That proved to be a short-lived emotion, lasting about as long as it took me to rant about it.

Journals are great things. Especially when you write them for the world to see, so everyone around you knows so much about you. But to tell you the truth, it makes them more uncomfortable than it does me. Weird, but true. I get the benefit of unloading all this stuff, ranting away like a contented, angry thing, but they often have to walk past without their eyes popping out, staring.

It's so much worse for them. That makes me feel better.

I got another bonus day off today due to the forecasted 11" of snow we're supposed to have before the end of the day. Grad school's cancelled, too! Hurrah! =8-D

Happy, happy, joy, joy.

That means no more excuses not to do some homework. Yeah, that's okay. I have lots to read so I'll just put another pot of coffee on and dig into it. Oh, after I go shovel the driveway so it doesn't pile up too monstrously high. My husband requested I do that this morning, before he left for work.

Honestly, I'm the most unfortunate soul on earth.

I may be back later, especially if I get more flame shooting out of my eyes. I hate when that happens. Man!

Hangin' in there...

xo

P.S.: I found my written journal! It was on my desk... No wonder I couldn't find it.

Mood Swing

I'm not feeling very forgiving right now, contrary to my post earlier in the day. In fact, I'm feeling rather outraged.

Total mood swing. From what I've learned I know to honor the feeling. Honor it by saying, "I see your eyes have turned red, your face is all stern and your jaw is set. Yes, you are one pissed off bitch."

Acknowledge it, deep breath in, exhale.

And I'm still pissed.

I'm pissed at all the injustice, all the crap thrown at me in my life. My most productive outlet is my creative one, and since I don't know where I left my damn written journal (which is where this rant properly goes) I'm writing it here.

Good mood gone. Grr.

Earlier, to change the topic to something better, I wrote a bit about last Sunday's UUC service in my journal dedicated to that particular journey. Though there's some overlap here with what I've already written, I still don't feel that's quite a done deal. I didn't write here, for instance, about the reading last Sunday. It was from Henry David Thoreau, the quote about not wanting to die realizing you've never lived:

" I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, , and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. "

Living deliberately is so vital to me, even if doing so guarantees a more emotional roller coaster of a life. The alternative is the half life so many other people live, comfortably set up, worry-free, being taken care of by other people, letting everything important in life just pass right on by.

Do I want that? To be honest, sometimes I do. The life I live is so often much more tortured than the average person's. I always suspected that was so, and recently I had that suspicion confirmed. Creative types lead more screwed up lives. I think we have more layers of feeling, more soft underbelly, and there are always those out there waiting to claw at it, to gnaw at it, biting through muscle and bone.

I'd say that's a total mood swing but again, recognize its right to be, acknowledge it, let it flow right over. Hope tomorrow's a better day.

What is forgiveness?

Dalai Lama I ain't. For one thing, I'm way too vain to ever shave off my auburn hair. I paid a lot of money for this color, honey. It's not going anywhere anytime soon.

But the weird thing is, whether you're His Holiness the Dalai Lama or nobody in particular, we all struggle with the same life stuff, to varying degrees. The D.L. is more advanced on the path to enlightenment, but he's also a human being. I'm betting he swears when he stubs his toe on a door, just like the rest of us common people. The difference is he automatically forgives the door for hurting him, and himself for not paying enough attention. The rest of us? Not so much.

Goddamn door.

Forgiveness is something we all struggle with. I think that's partly because we aren't quite sure what's required of us, if it means just letting go of past crap or if it also means taking on a share of the blame, by default. Our pride (which stems from our ego, now, doesn't it) balks at the suggestion WE are on par with the people who've done us wrong in life, and that pride/ego can't just let go of the convenience of blame so easily. That leads to grudges, and grudges lead to long-term resentment. And that leads to a mighty heavy load to bear, a load that affects every other part of our lives whether we see it or not. It's a dark mark on the soul, or if you aren't inclined to believe in a soul, the psyche.

But there are some times, though, we are completely innocent of blame. Children who are abused and terrorized are not to blame for what perpetrators do to them. They're completely innocent. So would be the mentally impaired, the unarmed, anyone without adequate defense attacked without provocation by someone with more power. That inequality exempts the innocent from blame, but the bummer of it is resentment held even by the innocent is a terribly heavy weight to bear. Even the innocent must suffer. The Universe doesn't play favorites.

So, what's the answer? It's not an easy one. It still requires a measure of what they call "eating crow" in a lot of cases, admitting complicity in your conflict with another person. In all cases it requires letting go of the grudge, the defense mechanism you picked up when you hardened yourself against the person who harmed you.

Funny, but that grudge can become so comfortable. It wears on you, fitting closely to you like a second skin. You wouldn't think so, but it does. It has the illusion of giving you power, evening out the field. But it really doesn't. All it actually does is pull you down to a level lower than you deserve.

Rising above means letting go of all that weight, but it will never mean forgetting. You can't wipe out memories, well, unless you're me and you're so busy you can barely remember yesterday. Those scars from the past just don't go away.

You'd think we'd remember that before knowingly inflicting pain on others, or acting in ways we know will likely result in harm for ourselves. But we so often don't. There's that damned EGO again, that cocky S.O.B. But it's also that same EGO that is an integral part of ourselves. He's like the annoying relative you're ashamed of, but you can't deny the blood link. You can cut him off, stop sending him Christmas cards and not invite him to the reunion, but he's still your kin. He's like herpes. He may be in remission but he's there, dude. He's there. And part of his blood runs through your veins.

A good argument for a complete blood transfusion, eh?

Knowing the right thing to do is one thing. Doing it is quite another. I can blah, blah, blah all I want about knowing I have to dump my baggage, but actually letting it go is another thing. I'm thinking it's a process, not so much something you usually wake up and decide to do. That probably happens sometimes, but more often than not we consciously decide we have to do this, we hem and haw, and we have a few false starts. Then, we either say screw it, I'm keeping this load a while longer (despite the fact I'm well aware it's doing me harm) or we start letting it go. It may not feel so comfortable at first. The weight's a bitch but it's been there so long it's familiar. A person feels more vulnerable for a while without that armor, but in reality the process can only make you stronger.

So I tell myself, and so I know to be true. Too bad I'm so disgustingly human. Vile sometimes, isn't it? Next time around maybe I'll come back as a plant, something with less conflict going on, with a less complex brain. Like some of my relatives, but not that hick. Please dear god not that hick...

Here's to working out issues, eh? Life can be so damn fun sometimes!

Go ye forth.

She's up! She's down! Who can keep track?

Balance. Say it with me! Baaaaaaalaaaaance....

Deep breath.

Okay, now you can exhale.

All three kids are home with the pestilence today - fever, headache, cough, sore tummy. I'm doing my best not to breathe in their vicinity, because I cannot afford to get sick. The fate of the free world rests on this!

The good thing about the kids being sick (did I really just say that?) is the unexpected bonus day off work. I need homework time because I've been rather slack in that area since the semester started. I need to do reading, and lots of it. I also need lots of coffee to stay awake for the loads of reading. Library and information studies is definitely my thang, but like all disciplines there are some damned dry scholars writing articles that are just way too damn long. That gets me to another subject, my rant against scholarly writing and the "publish or perish" environment at universities, but I'll let that one go for now. As any good teacher will tell you, there's such a thing as too many topics in one piece. And like any good student, I enjoy abusing rules.

Anyway, Monday is here, following a generally pretty good weekend. I put in some hours at the library on Saturday, to make up for the evening the snow kept me from getting there, and I hosted a concert (folk/acoustic guitar) on Sunday. I submitted my column to my editor on time, I blogged, and I even managed to watch the Super Bowl, though I don't care at all about the sport (but there are men in tights, which has its advantages).

I also spent a portion of last evening reading Oprah's latest selection, Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose. So far, it's more than any one person may ever want to know about the ego. It's enlightening to know how much the ego really does control us, but Tolle's style isn't the most dynamic in the world. He doesn't crack a single ass joke, for one thing. Totally serious, that one.

The Oprahites will eat this one up, I know they will. And there's some good stuff in it, a lot of things the modern world really needs to know. For one thing, we're all way too selfish. We suck in so many ways. But we're not beyond redemption. Well, some of us are, but I won't point any fingers.

Interesting to know Oprah's into this sort of thing. I mean, it's so out of character...

NOT!

I'll read along, check her message boards, and if the Universe deems it necessary I'll try to catch Eckhart Tolle when he inevitably comes on her show to talk about all this stuff. Going only by his cover photo I think he just may be a garden gnome, at least a younger version without the white beard. That's what he reminds me of, a sage garden gnome. Either that or the Lucky Charms guy. We'll see how he looks in person.

Now I'm outta here. I'm obviously not doing homework when I just said that's the good thing about today. Time to put away the shiny objects, put in the coffee I.V. and get down to reading about information studies.

Go ye forth and do good works. Or something.

Ah, that's better. At least a little.

I attended Unitarian Universalist services again this morning, and I'm just that much more convinced this is my path. I love the idea they welcome everyone, regardless of who they are and what they believe. I respect their love of healthy debate and lack of any hard and fast rules about what truth is. I also appreciate their dedication to community service, as well as their political activism. And I know it's only been two weeks, but I've been interested in this church for a while now. Before I started noticing them I was into the transcendentalists, and the UUC philosophy is really pretty doggone similar to that. In fact, most of the transcendentalists were members of the UUC.

Everything this group stands for seems to directly touch on either a pre-existing belief of mine or a resolution for something I'd like to change about myself. They encourage individualism but also foster a sense of community. As far as religions go I think this one's as nearly perfect as any.

Fortuitously, in two weeks they're going to start on a series instructing new members on the basic principles of the religion, through an examination of finding one's personal path. Each week will take on a different tenet, and while I can't attend most of the Monday night "companion" sessions, since I have grad school, I can at least attend as many of the Sunday services as I'm able.

In eight weeks I should have at least the beginning of a handle on exactly what my spirituality entails, and a working knowledge of what I think I may believe (always subject to change, of course). That's pretty mind-boggling if you think about it, considering I haven't managed to accomplish that in 41 years of searching.

They don't call this a mid-life crisis for nothing, do they?! Sheesh. I didn't think I'd buy into all the "oh I'm in my 40s so I better have significant upheaval in all aspects of my life.." But look at me. I'm a self help book junkie. I'd be embarrassed to count the number of these books I've either bought or checked out of the library in the last six months. I'm on the cusp of joining a church community. I keep more journals than I can even keep track of. In fact, I need a journal to keep track of my journals. Now THAT, my friends is pathetic.

Of course that's not the end of it, but only the beginning. Life is dynamic, and it'll be an ongoing process between the study and all the soul searching. None of this will be easy. But still, a beginning is more than I had going in, so I'm really pretty content with that.

I'll post here, week by week, as I go through the program. I'll of course keep copious notes in my journal, too. This time it'll be the black one, the leather one with the really cool, handmade looking paper. I got that one at Half Price Books for a mere five bucks. I'm nothing if not thrifty.

Okay, to be honest, I'm not usually thrifty. This time I just got lucky.

Speaking of lucky, wish me some.

A long week, still no enlightenment in sight

A little better this week mood-wise, but still I find myself invariably clawing my way from day to day. I'm reading lots of self help books, filled with all the usual platitudes about finding happiness from within, not relying on others, all that stuff. Yeah, that makes sense. It does, but it's more than a little depressing to me.

Why?

Well, I guess because like so many people I wanted to think friends and those who care for you are the most instrumental people on the road to happiness, and that LOVE was the big, universal cure. But sometimes you find yourself numb to it all, disillusioned and just plain tired. Actually, the word LOVE makes me want to puke right about now, mostly because I realize its limitations and now have to acknowledge how I love myself is actually more important than any love anyone else bears for me. Me first, you second. You can't depend on anything else, and how depressing is that.

That runs contrary to my personality. I've never been big on self love, self esteem, pretty much any of the selves save self deprecation. That one I do pretty doggone well. But self love? (And no, I'm not talking masturbation, either... Sorry to burst that bubble.) I mean self love as in accepting yourself, who you are, your limitations, and being your own source of strength, getting yourself through bad times and creating happiness from within.

Isn't it easier for someone else to do that for you? I mean, come on! I'm busy just doing homework, and I have to hold myself up, too?

That sucks.

Obviously, I'm nowhere near becoming enlightened. Ah, I take that back. Enlightenment comes through suffering, through disillusion and through that one grows to develop wisdom. And no, I didn't come up with that. A very dear friend, and a psychologist, did. That was her best advice when I told her how exhausted I am, how disillusioned and tired of waiting for the Universe to even out the playing field for me and show me just a smidge of compassion.

Still waiting for that, and I think it'll be a while. I may as well go brew a pot of coffee.