As disorganized with this as I am with everything

Is it just me, or do other people think they're way too disorganized in every aspect of life? Even here, with my spiritual quest, I find myself thinking, "You know, you should have this outlined. There must be a logical way for you to progress through this. Maybe there's a book on that."

Yeah, and maybe there's a book on life that I've missed out on, one that explains everything in plain language. One I'll find in my dreams. You know those dreams. You're walking around your house, only it isn't your house, and you discover there's an extra room, or rooms, you never knew existed before. And you marvel, thinking, "Damn! I could really put a lot of crap in these rooms!" Somewhere in that dreamworld room is the book holding the key to life, the Universe and everything. The only problem is when I reach for it in my dreams it turns into a spider monkey. It bites me and runs away, just before I realize I'm not wearing pants, and the room becomes a classroom, and it's the final exam....

So, maybe it is a little anal to think I should find a logical way to progress through this or any aspect of my life. If we'd been handed outlines when we were born I think a lot of us would have committed suicide by now. You want me to WHAT, when I'm HOW OLD?! Screw that. I'm outta here.

Those of us afflicted with monkey mind are always a little paranoid we're not organizing things effectively. Usually we're right. That's the kicker. A small voice inside our primate-infested minds tells us to slow down, take a breath, write out an agenda. Look at things logically and plan. It'll make life so much smoother. Meanwhile our minds are saying, "Chocolate! Bookstore! Cute guy wearing glasses! Did I take my meds this morning? Damn, I didn't! Or did I? I want turkey for lunch!"

It's hopeless. Just hopeless.

This Sunday is Week 3 of the UUC spiritual quest. To be honest, I don't remember what we're working on for next week, but that's okay. I barely remember an hour ago. Hell, five minutes ago. I'm sitting here with 12 windows open on my computer, which is a relatively small number for me at any given time. I've been to a gazillion websites in the past two hours, looking for a gazillion things. And you want me to remember what I'm doing next week?!

Oh, sorry. That was me, not you. I lose track sometimes.

I guess I'm coming along on THE QUEST. Improvements are being made in the form of having just a touch more insight into my monkey mind and all the attendant truths I may or may not believe in. Progress appears to be a really slow thing. I guess there are no quick fixes. That totally sucks ass.

One thing's for sure. I got a lot out of the whole Anne Lamott experience, listening to two of her books on CD within the past couple of weeks. I learned it's okay to be royally messed up, that we pretty much all are, and that it's more okay than we think. In the big scheme of things we really do matter so little, and most things are little things.

I was trying to decide which Anne Lamott quote is my favorite, but it's kind of tough considering I didn't read the physical books so I didn't get to write anything down. I'll probably read the books sometime, but for now the quote I'll pick came from near the end of Grace (Eventually). It was:

"You can get the monkey off your back, but the circus never completely leaves town."

Ain't that the truth?

I'll leave you to ponder that one while I go off to open another dozen windows. So the monkeys can climb out.

Today's 7 Bits of Grace

1. So far I haven't spilled coffee on my new, white, $ 7 sweater. This is a bigger accomplishment than you might think. I am The Big Dribbler.

2. The bad news is I finished listening to the audio CD of Anne Lamott's 'Grace (Eventually).' I enjoyed it so much I miss her already.

The good news is I found this other guy who may be interesting to listen to, too. But then again, no one else is Anne Lamott. :-(

3. My Girl Scout cookies came in today!!! (MINEMINEMINEMINE)

4. It snowed last night, yes, but not much.

5. Tomorrow I'm getting my hair cut! I need it desperately. Once I have my new style I will be outrageously beautiful and everything in my life will fall into place. Oh, sorry, lost consciousnes briefly.

6. The kids are home from school today, and I'll be at work at least part of the day.

7. I need to do a lot of reading this weekend! Bliss.

Instant Karma!

Today's Instant Karma!:

"Enjoy your eccentricities and those of other people."

Like I've always said, normal people are so damn boring. Anyone who's always the same, who's completely predictable is pretty dull to be around.

I tend to like people for their oddities, their distinguishing characteristics as much as for any other trait. The more quirky the better for me. Well, within reason. If you wear aluminum foil on your head because you think it blocks aliens from reading your mind that's a little psycho. (We all know it's plastic wrap that really does that.) Then I may not hang out with you too much. But if you have a weird addiction to going to garage sales, if you collect something, anything quirky or off-beat, or if you like books more than people, then you're someone I'd like to take to dinner.

My closest friends enjoy my company because of my unpredictability as well as my willingness to go along with almost anything. I have a wide variety of likes. Pretty much any, say, ethnic food is fine with me. If you like it I'm willing to try it.

They also like my oddball sense of humor, my ability to come up with some damn fine one-liners at the drop of a hat. I'm not always on my game, but I am a good chunk of the time.

I'm losing a lot of fear of looking weird as I grow older. I'm willing to do more things I'd have cringed to even think about in the past. Yeah, I still have my limits. That's what makes me fit for company. But I'm ever changing and evolving.

To me, that's what makes life interesting, and keeps it interesting. And that's a very important thing.

Today's 7 Bits of Grace

1. My daughter's planning a sleepover this weekend. At someone else's house.

2. I got my ass out of bed this morning and went to work out. I managed a full hour on the elliptical!

3. Anne Lamott's book on CD (Grace (Eventually)) made me laugh out loud on the way to work this morning. She was talking about what a shit her teenage son was. I got satisfaction out of her comment, "That's why teenagers make such good terrorists."

4. Books! Lots and lots of books. I'm tripping over them in all the rooms of my house.

5. I organized myself well enough to ship out two packages I'm so, so late in sending. What a relief.

6. Sunny again today!

7. I remembered to bring my lunch to work with me this morning. Hurrah!

Today's 7 Bits of Grace

1. I only have one daughter.

2. Kohl's is having their huge winter clearance. I got a sweater for $ 7.00!

3. The sun's out again today and it's gorgeous.

4. My house is relatively clean, because I decided that would be a more fun use of time than doing homework all afternoon/evening.

5. I still got my homework done.

6. Martha Stewart gave some great ideas for quick dinner recipes this morning. I can always use quick menu ideas. (Now the challenge is remembering them.)

7. Anne Lamott made me laugh this morning. A lot. She accomplishes a lot of this by swearing. A lot.

Un-freaking-believable: A rant

"Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young."

- Unknown, but could be anyone...


I am raising a monster, or, if not exactly a monster, at the least a selfish, fire-breathing beastie who seems pretty certain she's at the dead center of the universe. In other words, a fourteen-year-old daughter.

Conversation last night at the dinner table turned to the fact I'm gone a lot lately, since I'm in grad school and also I'm working part-time. I have a lot going on, especially through May when the semester ends. After that I won't have to commute to school. Everything after this semester will be online. But for now, yeah. I am gone an awful lot.

So my daughter tells me I'm ruining her life by having my own life. For a dozen years I was a stay at home mom. I went back to work in late 2005, once the kids were all in school all day. I started grad school last year, knowing it would be rough fitting everything in. The least I expected was a little support from the family. From my daughter I'm getting nothing but grief.

I have to remember she is a teenager, and teenagers consider nothing in the world to be as important as their interests. Like toddlers they're selfish and demanding, only now they have the added benefit of a full vocabulary. An annoyingly full vocabulary. Kind of makes me long for the days she'd just throw herself on the floor screaming. At least then I could put her in her crib and close the door. Now I can't lift her, but if I could I'd gladly try to lock her away SOMEWHERE, ANYWHERE if I could.

The thing is, I don't see how she's gotten this way. By insisting on my own life and career(s) I thought I'd be setting a good example for the kids, showing them life doesn't end when you're a parent. Parents are people, dammit! We have lives, too, and they're just as important to us as theirs are to them. I'm asserting myself, getting back out into the world, finding my niche. And my daughter? All she does is whine about how UNFAIR it all is.

The girl's already in activities like you wouldn't believe. She's in chorus, show choir, regular orchestra, chamber orchestra, fiddle club, dance and she has a part in her school musical. I drive her to school early some mornings, pick her up late some nights, take her to dance, wait for her, take her home... And that's not counting all the extra trips, the other places she needs to be driven. Her complaint? She can't do every single thing she wants to do, partly because I now have a life.

Ah, poor child. That's life.

Sorry, had to vent today. It's a little frustrating sometimes, you know? Grrrrrrrrrr.

Today's 7 Bits of Grace

1. Recycling my hair worked out okay today. I got away with not washing it this morning, thus saving me at least half an hour's prettifying time.

2. Trader Joe's! For nummies and flowers and all sorts of things. Oh my!

3. The sun's out right now, which makes it seem less cold out there.

4. Two more books came in for me via interlibrary loan: Now You See Him by Eli Gottlieb and Disturbances in the Field by Lynne Sharon Schwartz.

5. Obama's ahead in all the polls today.

6. My smaller size black dress pants fit and so far haven't split wide open. I'm mystified, but I'll take it.

7. The cats didn't vomit overnight. At least not that I've found.