Speaking of Me 18 Years Ago...

Ye gods, are these photos weird to look at now. Not only was I all blonded up with my super hot late '80s 'do(n't), but I also appear to have a fluffy white thing attacking the back of my head.

My only defense is it was the thing then, okay? Sheesh!

I also have cake smeared all over my face, which totally adds to the overall hotness of the look.

I have a few freakish outtake photos from my wedding day, but the big award winner has to be this picture of my mother giving me a kiss on the cheek. I kind of remember taking this picture, in a vague way, but I don't recall for sure if I was freaked out my mother was kissing me for the first (and, to date, only) time in my life, or if I was feeling a little irregular that day.

It could go either way, really. Note the hunted look in my eye, the fight or flight response in living color.

And my mother? What the hell is that on her head, and who on earth told her those glasses were a good look?

Crikey. It pains me. In so, so many ways.

I'll leave you with this one I do remember. The photographer got really irked my matron of honor and I couldn't stop laughing while attempting to gaze with rapt attention and awe at my engagement ring. I mean, come on! All we were thinking about was the reception, and all that booze.

Ten minutes before this moment she'd just had her hands up my skirt, reinacting the putting on of my garter, while that perv of a photographer snapped a dozen or so pictures.

He so had lesbian fantasies on his mind. Don't tell me he didn't.

Phew. I got that out of my system. Time to return to the 21st century.

Up to now

There's something about investigating your personal ethics and spirituality that makes you start to dig deeply into your life. For me, a lot of that's unpleasant. In fact, the bulk of it is. My childhood was a literal torture, and that set me up for a lifetime of feeling inadequate, scared and very, very angry. I have a lot of the angry pessimist in me. I know I set myself up to have negative things happen to me, mostly because negative things have made up the bulk of my life up to now.

Or, well, negative things have gotten the most attention with me. My life hasn't been without positives. I have three positives under my roof in the form of the three fruits of my loins. And, okay, they're not always the most positive creatures on earth. Some days my teenager makes me question what the hell I was ever thinking, but overall the three of them have some pretty amazing qualities. I just have trouble recalling them from time to time.

The marriage I wrote about a few days ago. Paul and I have been together forever. Twenty two years or so now. Eighteen married and four or five dating/engaged. We got married at the incredibly young age of 23. I'd hit the roof if any of my own children even mentioned the "m" word before at least 28, but look how young I was. Oy.

It wasn't even so much that we were too young to get married, though we were pretty young. It was more that we were too emotionally immature, too lacking in strong life skills to have taken such a momentous step. Neither of us had the best models of marriage in our homes, me way more so than him. I had the incredible obstacle of enduring a torturous childhood, too, without benefit of any sort of counseling or help for it. And it wasn't that help hadn't been offered, but due to the circumstances I wouldn't, or couldn't, take advantage of that offer.

It was naive of us to think life would be smooth. It's been the total opposite, very, very rocky. Every step along the way has been fraught. Nothing was ever easy, or even natural. It's all been a long, hard struggle.

So, naturally, it eventually hit the boiling point. For the past year it's been a roller coaster ride as we both hit the point at which we knew this couldn't continue on this way. But even with that, there was struggle. The resolution hasn't been easy, but now at least the roller coaster ride appears to be finished. But still, it hasn't been ended long enough for either of us not to feel that little twinge of fear we could be put back on it at anytime. That'll take a while longer.

No wonder, at this point in my life, I'm taking serious stock. I hit 40 with hardly a quiver, and it's still not age that's the issue. That's moot, aside from the increasingly annoying notice of little signs like sprouting grey hairs, the tendency to fall asleep a lot easier, and a few aches and pains I didn't have before. The issue is finally having the courage to look back and deal with things, to hold people accountable for the things they've done and to admit my own failures, too. Then, the look ahead, pondering what I'm going to do with the past, how I'm going to use it to propel me into the future and if I can find some way to twist it so there are positives to be found.

Because there are positives to everything, even if they're extremely difficult to see. For me, I have a very rich interior life, a true appreciation for the beauty of art in many forms, and a great love of reading and writing. Having to turn inside for solace the way I did, I in many ways created that framework for myself. It may not have been right why I was forced to do so, but the point to take away is that I did. So in that way I did make a positive of a negative. I turned my need to find safety and comfort into an enriched life of the mind, albeit at a very high cost.

From here on it's what I make of it. It's actually what WE make of it, though I maintain my own very strong separate identity, and vow always to do that. At 41 going on 42 I think it's time I stop carrying childhood baggage, or at least lighten it to the lightest carry-on bag I can. Up 'til now it's been a huge travelling trunk, strapped to my shoulders and virtually padlocked in place. But I've been sawing on those straps, picking at the lock. Enough is enough.

The rest is mine, dammit! My childhood may have largely claimed half my life, but the last time I checked I still had a pulse. I may not have 41 years left, but whatever there is will be walked with a lighter load.

It's the positive among all the negatives. The very best I can do. And it'll be good enough, hard fought as it's been.

Thus begins the journey that is Part II of my life.

My Unitarian Journey: Step 1

Yesterday's service kicked off the 8 week program centered around finding one's own Unitarian identity at the church I've been attending for the last few weeks. I've been looking forward to the start of this since I first found out about it, about two weeks before the course of instruction was to begin.

I consider this a fortuitous bit of serendipity, since it came at exactly the right time for me, a time I was beginning to see was a point of catharsis in my life. In fact, it came at such an opportune time, just after I'd begun investigating the church I'd had an interest in for years, I can hardly think it coincidental. What it properly was I don't know, but call me superstitious if I say I was meant to attend this church at this time.

Go ahead! I dare you...

My last point of catharsis came in 2005, which wasn't that long ago. You'd think the Universe would space these out a little more, wouldn't you? I mean, I'd been going on so damn long, stuck in the same life rut, then BAM! Cartharsis one. A mere three years later (slightly less, actually, if you look at the calendar dates, but let's not split hairs) came Catharsis number two. It makes me wonder if I should start getting nervous now about 2011, or if the Universe isn't quite that predictable. Instead, I'm betting it's just fucking with me, hoping I'll get all organized and think I should expect another change in three years, then leave me hanging for another 20 or 30.

It's sneaky that way.

Anyway, the point of yesterday's sermon was that we should begin looking at our life goals, pondering our thoughts on spirituality and our ethics structure. I have a week to consider that before we move onto the next phase. I don't have to have it all decided, but I should at least have a grip on a few things, which is way more than I can honestly say I had coming into this.

So, I have to ask myself, what are my thoughts on spirituality? I'm thinking that all hinges on my belief, or non-belief, in a God, and how I look on all of that sort of God stuff. Do I believe there's a God? I know I don't believe in the idea of the grey-haired sage sitting on a throne up in the clouds somewhere. I also don't believe if I pray to a God he'll let my favorite baseball team win. I had proof of that last season when my White Sox played worse than my son's Little League team. But I digress.

I don't believe in the Christian idea of a God. I don't believe in a personal God who intercedes for us on little everyday things. S/he may tune in, and may even be moved to care about humanity, but God does not have an impact on our daily lives. This I've decided. Nor does S/He expect us to confess every little stupid thing we do, to report in every time we lust after, say, British actors or something. Who'd have the time to listen to all that crap? Sure, it'd be titillating for about the first million years or so, but after that? It would get so damn old: "Yeah, yeah, yeah... So you stole a piece of candy, you called your mom a bitch and you think the neighbor's hot. Now go away and leave me alone. I need to have my beard trimmed."

On the other hand, I can consider there's potentially a power of some sort out there somewhere, whether it's a Creator or not I can't say, but something put the Universe here. After all, how do you answer questions such as what was here before the present Universe, and how did that get here? What happened that allowed us to live, is there other life out there somewhere, and if so how did that get there? Oy. Around this point in the thought process my brain usually explodes, a messy and decidedly unappetizing event.

The simple answer is: I don't know. We'll never know. But could there be a Higher Power? Yes, there could. Can I prove there isn't? No, I can't.

So okay, one item off the list: God? - CHECK!

I don't particularly like calling HER "God," because that's been so over-used, but it's really easier sometimes than coming up with a whole new term. Usually, though, I'll refer to that vague potentially Higher Power as the Universe. By that I don't necessarily mean Saturn, or Uranus (rim shot), but instead the Creative Force behind whatever the hell caused the great expanse of the Universe as we know it to come into existence, and what guides the course of the "future."

Alright. That's out of the way.

Part two: Ethics. A much bigger kettle of fish, in some ways, or at least one with more by-laws and details. I think I'll save that one for later in the week, when I'm better rested and have had more caffeine. For now, figuring out the God thing seems a big enough victory. It's all about pacing.

Why church-y people crack me up.

I've been sitting here at Panera all day, working. I ate my breakfast bagel here, and my lunch half sandwich and cup of soup.

This morning there was a small group of ladies here, chatting about the business of their church. It was all pretty straightforward stuff, nothing remarkable, a low drone in the background while I worked. But then one of them left, and the two remaining ladies (and I use the term loosely) proceeded to pull her and several other ladies presumably at their church to shreds.

Huh.

And, when the ladies left one of them looked at the mess her group left at the table, remarking on it, then she proceeded to say, "Oh well. Who cares?"

I'll take a guess, maybe the guy who has to clean up after you?

What would Jesus do? Apparently he'd shrug and leave like she did, because after all she was a church lady. She should know.

And people call me a heathen.

Nothing says "Love" like V.D.

Okay. Deep breath.

I didn't post yesterday, and it was a purposeful not posting. I have some mixed feelings about Valentine's Day, some mixed feelings about the nature of love at all, to be truthful.

My husband and I came through a really rough 2007 scarred and fractured, as near entering a divorce court as it gets. Now it's 2008, a new year, and we're doing what pretty much every marriage does at one point in its existence. We're giving it one more shot, throwing ourselves into it and trying to save it in a sort of last-ditch effort to keep the family together.

We've been married 18 years now, dating four years before that. That's a lot of history/herstory, a lot in common, and also a lot of fetid water under the bridge on both sides. We also have three children who may not always be model kids, but they are at heart really worthwhile human beings. It's not that I think kids can't adjust to a divorce situation, because I believe it's possible they can. But I also know it's ideal to keep the family unit together. Ideal, though not always possible.

The whole subject of marriage depresses me in a whole lot of ways. It isn't what I ever thought it would be. It's disappointing so much of the time. It's boring, it's routine, it distinctly unromantic. Between two people with stubborn dispositions it can also go South and stay there a remarkably long time. It's possible to get in a rut so deeply you can't dig out of it on your own. Sometimes you have to look outside for assistance, and that's what we're doing, going the counseling route.

It isn't that we argue. It's more a problem that we don't, that we haven't ever. We don't fight outright. We bury our anger, couching it in passive-aggression. In case you're wondering, that's about the worst thing married people can do. It's better to duke it out, to air your grievances in a fair and civilized way. That's in the ideal situation. In our case deep depression was involved, disabling depression, to some degree on both sides. That makes the rut even deeper, even harder to dig out of on your own.

In an environment like this everyone suffers. It may not be as obvious how they do, but they certainly do.

But we're going forward, with a little help. It's going okay so far, but I'm not sure we've really been tested in this "new" relationship yet. It'll come, and that'll be the true measure of how things have changed, and if they have.

So far, so good.

Belief Net

You gotta love modern technology! Don't know what religion you are? Uncertain what path you should take?

Well, here ya go.

And here were my results:


1.
Unitarian Universalism (100%)
2.
Neo-Pagan (96%)
3.
New Age (96%)
4.
Liberal Quakers (88%)
5.
Mahayana Buddhism (88%)
6.
Taoism (81%)
7.
Hinduism (75%)
8.
Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (73%)
9.
New Thought (72%)
10.
Scientology (70%)
11.
Theravada Buddhism (69%)
12.
Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (68%)
13.
Secular Humanism (68%)
14.
Sikhism (59%)
15.
Jainism (58%)
16.
Reform Judaism (56%)
17.
Bahá'í Faith (41%)
18.
Orthodox Quaker (41%)
19.
Nontheist (36%)
20.
Orthodox Judaism (24%)
21.
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (23%)
22.
Seventh Day Adventist (19%)
23.
Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (17%)
24.
Eastern Orthodox (15%)
25.
Islam (15%)
26.
Roman Catholic (15%)
27.
Jehovah's Witness (11%)


So yeah, I think I'm pretty much on the right track.

People still suck, but I'm getting a little beyond that

I'm really not sure how Zen it is to bitch and moan about people and what crap they can be, but you know, I'm human. Zen Buddhism isn't so much a goal to me, anyway, as an ideal of what life should be like, if everything on earth were perfect. Which we all know it isn't, though we do have those shining moments of less craptasticness from time to time, those few, fleeting moments in which we almost feel we could dare to dream. But then the Coyote misses the Road Runner again, falls off the cliff, and gets his brains squashed by an anvil.

Le Coyote c'est moi.

I didn't really come here to bitch today, though. I swung by to report on having attended UUC services again this morning, despite the bone-chilling temperatures (wind chills of - 30)(!!). It was damn cold in the church today, too. It's an old building and furnaces build in the stone age weren't meant to cope with the effects of global warming, apparently. So we all shivered our way through the service. If we were Catholic we could consider the experience a mortification to the body, and thus look forward to the prospect of another hour off purgatory. Not being Catholic, we hunker down like forest animals in hibernation, looking for something to take our minds off how chilly it is. Luckily, there was enough going on today I barely noticed when I lost feeling in my toes.

Today's service was, I thought, pretty entertaining. Rev. Dan went over the plans for the upcoming big series of services/classes on all aspects of the UUC's approach to finding one's own spiritual path. He illustrated each week's plan with a sort of mini-tutorial on what we can expect, including a report on the week we'll be concentrating on the mind/body connection. I've never seen seated yoga performed in a church environment before, but I can say I've seen it now. Yep, I think this church is just where I need to be. Any church that unconventional gets my vote.

No new reading to report on. Grad school's effectively sucking all the free time out of my schedule. But stay tuned. Things are never boring here. That I can guarantee.