S-L-U-G

Life's been busy. Talk about your understatements. I haven't updated here in a couple months, I see. Part of the problem stems from not having time to think about matters spiritual lately. That's been superceded by life emergencies.

But yes, I know, life's emergencies are generally the time we think about spirituality. But I've let it all slide.

Well, it's time to think about resurrecting this blog. It's in the works, or at least in consideration for being in the works.

This is step one, reconnecting. Now at least my blog doesn't look so lonely...

Holy Cow

It's been nearly a month since I posted here! I knew I lapsed, but didn't realize it was by THAT much. Sheesh.

I'm thinking about what progress I've actually made on the spiritual front over the past month. One thing I was taught to do recently involves removing the Higher Self from all the other selves (the angry side, the maternal side, the depressed side, etc) and giving it a sort of "break" by imagining it walking up a mountain and just BEING for a while. It's a means of stopping the mind chatter, I guess you'd say.

The result is supposed to calm me, stop me from listening to all that noise, both positive and negative. It does work. I just need to practice it more often.

But as for any big breakthroughs, any spiritual moments, I can't say I've really had any. Not for a long time, unless I'm really missing something.

I need to start another book on the subject, or get back to one I've already started. With everything going on in life it just hasn't been a high priority. Things just haven't been that great.

Hope they're better with all of you.

Today's 7 Bits of Grace

I've fallen off the grace wagon and I've missed it. Again today I was reminded to look for the good stuff among the not so great, so here goes:

1. Though it was cold this morning the sun popped out this afternoon.

2. The scallops I made for dinner came out decently.

3. I started another blog! Wait, is that a good thing?

4. I got in some reading time today.

5. I also got a little cleaning done. A very little, but some.

6. I got in some journal writing time, some really productive journal writing time.

7. Last week the Newberry Library granted me an internship.

Whew, I made it through. It's a tough time of life but there are a few good things.

I truly haven't forgotten this blog...

Though it seems that way. I've been blaring all over the net how busy I am at the end of the semester, but I haven't told readers of this blog. Until now.

Here's a thought to help improve your karma:

"Give away what you want most (love, money, gratitude)."

Because what you give away comes back to you 10 foldish.

From: The Places that Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times by Pema Chodron

" A fresh attitude starts to happen when we look to see that yesterday was yesterday, and now it is gone; today is today and now it is new. It is like that - every hour, every minute is changing. If we stop to observe change, then we stop seeing everything as new. "

- Dzigar Kongtrul Rinpoche

The spirituality of creativity

Of all my latest obsessions, this is one of the top three. Having finally gotten around to keeping a journal, as of July of last year, I'm coming to terms with a lot of things about myself and my mania to create. I also see now how that can be a sort of spiritual experience, a soul-purging kind of cleansing that leads to an number of epiphanies.

At UUC services yesterday creativity was the topic. We're in week 8 of the 10 week "Finding Your Unitarian Spirituality" course, and this is the week I've been waiting for with great anticipation. So, of course, as it turns out the service yesterday was interrupted by a man having what was possibly a heart attack. Talk about the jolt of mortality in the middle of a fascinating sermon...

Hopefully he'll be okay. After the ambulance left the sermon went on, as was the popular consensus. Creativity, the Rev. Dan said, is a sign of life. When creativity ends, you die.

And of course, that lead me to quip about the guy taken off in the ambulance, "I hope he hadn't stopped being creative..." And no, I didn't say that IN the church.

Intriguing thought. I know I'd die, a spiritual if not a mortal death, without creativity. I was never so depressed as the dark time when creativity was eclipsed by the exhaustion of motherhood. They both went hand in hand, feeding off each other leaving me miserable.

But now I write every day. I create constantly. And I'm if not blissful, at least content knowing I have that outlet. Bliss isn't an easy concept for me. I may have my moments, but they're not a constant. Maybe as I'm working through my various issues I'll find bliss more frequently. I expect it'll be in the pages of a book, a manuscript, or as soon as I get my butt in gear, a drawing or painting.

Wherever it is, I know it's in reach.

Reading back through Louise DeSalvo's 'Writing as a Way of Healing: How Telling Our Stories Transforms Our Lives'

If you're a creative sort of person with a horrific past I can't tell you how helpful DeSalvo's book truly is. It's so helpful I could imagine designing a workshop around it, though it would produce work of such a sensitive, personal nature I think one would have to be really careful about it.

The book is very introspective, naturally, and just so, so wise. Here's one of the zillion or so quotes I highlighted:

" ... we possess an emotional self-righting mechanism, akin to our body's innate ability to heal wounds. This is our creative imagination ..."

Apparently DeSalvo read several works on the subject of traumatized children. It seems these little ones tend to engage in imaginative play more often and for much longer than children who've enjoyed pleasant childhoods. And this is what spurs so many creative people to continue making use of creativity in adulthood.

Really a fascinating glimpse inside the creative mind, and a very inspiring program for using one's creativity as an emotional outlet. I'll refer back to this book for a very long time.

Today's Seven Bits of Grace

Consider these as bits of grace from the weekend. From my birthday weekend:

1. Two words: jalapeno cheeseburger.

2. Beer.

3. Finding a bookstore with a biography of Leslie Stephen I didn't already own, and didn't know existed, and having that be my birthday present. Hurrah!

4. Getting away for the weekend, sans children!

5. The weather. It kind of, sort of cooperated giving us hours of sun though not a whole lot of warmth. Still, I'll take it.

6. Fudge. To bring home.

7. The realization at least a couple of my moments of grace didn't involve food: priceless.

Lemons & lemonade

Making the best of your life. That's pretty much the gist of it, though sometimes that's easier said than done. Lots and lots on my plate right now, and I'm not really free to discuss it openly because it's first off highly personal, but second and more inhibiting is the fact keeping a lid on things is advisable, since it involves people in my own family. Maybe I will talk more openly about it once it's done, once I've made that ultimate decision and taken steps to do a few things that may help my fractured soul to heal. But for now it's necessary to be more than a little vague. And yeah, I know that's not all that weird for me at the best of times.

Sometimes in life you find you just can't abide the status quo anymore. That's where I'm at. I've been living a life that's condoned bad things a few key people have done to me, letting them think it must all be okay now when it isn't. The impact on me can't be measured, it really can't. It's affected every other part of my life, to the extent it just can't be ignored anymore or I'll risk hurting myself even more.

Doing something about that is going to take some real planning, and most of my energy. Being the person I am, I don't want to let that monopolize all my time but the time I do have will probably find me exhausted from dealing with these BIG ISSUES.

But I don't want to give the impression it's all bad. Lots of positive things are going on here, too, plenty of reading and writing and things of a creative nature. School's going well, everyone in my house is healthy and doing well, and the dog hasn't pooped in the house today. See, not all grim!

I write about that general life stuff on my Bluestalking blog, so I don't want to repeat it here. This blog's dedicated things spiritual, occasionally blurring into things self improvement. Since I haven't been really all that active in either in the past without boring myself too much. So head on over there for a recap of my birthday weekend, etc.

I'll be back here again soon.

From: Faith by Sharon Salzberg

" No matter what is happening, whenever we see the inevitability of change, the ordinary, or even oppressive, facts of our lives can become alive with prospect. "


What do you think?

This is an idea I've run into in several books on spirituality lately. I think it's a fairly uncomfortable idea to a lot of us, especially westerners, the idea our lives aren't really stable. Stability is an illusion.

Change isn't always good, but it is inevitable. Changes can be made the best of, too. While things are in flux it may cause one to despair, because one thing is passing away, making room for another. But that other?

You never know until you give it a try.

What I'm Reading

Faith: Trusting Your Own Deepest Experience

by Sharon Salzberg

Just started this one, so I don't have anything really to say about it yet. It's my latest read in the spirituality/self help genre, leaning more toward spirituality.

Then again, the two are really related, aren't they?

I'll post on it when I've gotten far enough to have something of interest to say. It's gotten really good reviews at Amazon. I anticipate it being an engaging read.

But I'll let you know.

Today's 7 Bits of Grace

I posted, over on my other blog, about what a crap day I'm having so far. I won't bore you by duplicating, but trust me. It's sucked. And it's not even noon.

But despite that, I'm going to find seven bits of grace, DAMMIT!

1. It's cold as hell outside, and so windy I thought my hair would blow off leaving me bald. But at least it's not snowing. Right now.

2. A national publication asked me to submit an essay to them, on spec. SQUEEEEAL!

3. Subway. Roast beef. Pepper Jack cheese. Hot giardinera.

4. Neal Pollack's dude at Anchor wants to know if I want to interview him. I mean Pollack, not the dude. Umm, give me half a second to think about that one. YESSSSSSSSSSS!

5. I can't feel my forehead lines today.

6. It's almost lunch time. (see # 3)

7. I've been feeling like such total crap because I'm behind reading for the blog bookgroup I'm in, but then I found out one of the guys is nearly as much a sloth as I am.

Phew. This one was a squeaker. But I made it.

How do Unitarians celebrate Easter?

" Live your beliefs and you can turn the world around. "

- Henry David Thoreau

We attended Unitarian services this sunny but cold Easter Sunday. Having no idea what to expect, we came away well pleased with the direction the leader of our church chose to take the sermon.

As I always say, expect little. That way you'll be rewarded even more when you do get something.

Unitarians, as you may know, don't have a creed. Neither do they (I would say "we," but my husband hasn't yet claimed them and I'm brand new to the church) espouse any particular beliefs. Rather, they're a sort of catch-all for people who feel disenfranchised by all the other world religions. As my husband describes it, if you were to put everyone from every major religion in a big sieve and shake it, the ones left over would be qualified for Unitarian status.

That's pretty much the truth. The Unitarians welcome everyone, regardless of religion. There are even atheists who subscribe to the church's membership. Why? Well, because Unitarians believe it's right and good to gather together, pool resources and do good things to help people. They believe in supporting and loving one another without benefit of fear instilled by a stern God sitting in judgment over them. They try to live well for the very best reason: because it's the right thing to do.

I can dig that.

The message today was one of renewal, the same as you'd find in the Christian services on Easter day. It's just minus any belief in the resurrection, a core tenent of the Christian faith. Same general message, minus the religious part.

It's spring, time to get out and enjoy life after the long, cold winter. It's the time for rebirth and renewal, a time of beginnings and of relief the days are getting longer and the weather warmer. That's what it's all about, and that's how the Unitarians celebrate Easter. It's the same general spirit as any other religion, when you get down to the heart of it. It's all about promise and hope.

Hope you had a very nice holiday, whatever you celebrate (or don't). Happy spring!

Reading Wayne Dyer

I'm not sure how to feel about Wayne Dyer. On the one hand, he's the dude PBS calls on when they need to raise a lot of money very quickly. He's so popular he's kind of like Dr. Phil. And I don't have a whole lot of respect for Dr. Phil. Why? Because he's too damn popular. Anything popular must be mass market, and I generally like to travel outside of the pack, where the original people are.

Still, I have to tell you, I just finished reading Dyer's Your Erroneous Zones and I sure did highlight a lot of passages in it. An awful lot. I found some good wisdom in it. It's not wisdom nobody's thought of before, or wisdom that sounds completely original. But it is wisdom of a fairly universal nature, as in stuff I can't really argue about. Even things I find myself nodding in agreement to.

Ah, the dilemma of it all.

I started keeping a self help book journal in honor of finishing this book, so I could write down the key points. That's how much I wound up enjoying it. I know, TOTAL NERD.

But here are a few things I found:

"You are the sum total of all your choices."

Duh. But think about it. Really think. You are responsible for yourself. Your screw ups are not someone else's fault. Man, that's empowering and scary, isn't it?

"The issue here is your own ability to choose happiness, or at least not choose unhappiness, at any given moment of your life."

In other words, QUIT WHINING, LOSER!

He never used the "l" word, but I have a strong feeling he really, really wanted to.

That's tough though, isn't it? You have to give up all that satisfying whining crap and just choose to be happy. But it's way more dramatic the other way. Ugh.

"Why should you do everything well? Who's keeping score for you?"

Damn. That's true. I drive myself, and I pretty much knew that. I have a certain set of expectations for me, not that I always meet them. In fact, I hardly ever do. Do I drive myself too hard? Probably. Probably.

"Entertain yourself with a fantasy in which you allow yourself to have anything."

It's one of those "if you can dream it you can realize it" things. And yeah, I guess that's so. Theoretically. But what I'm fantasizing about now is being Oprah's next wunderkind. That leads to untold prosperity, which leads to complete security and a ticket out of the damn suburbs to someplace with more character. Can I do that?

Maybe if Wayne lends me some of his millions.

You get the idea. It's all this sort of motivational stuff, and most of it's pretty good actually. Scary to hear myself say that. I guess this Dyer guy is okay, unlike Dr. Phil who's a complete media whore. Wayne Dyer has a very Zen philosophy, in a tough love way.

I'll read more by Dyer. In fact, I own three or four of his other books already. He's okay, I've decided.

Photo - the grotto at my undergrad alma mater

I'm not Catholic anymore, and haven't been for a really long time, butI still find the image of the crucifix to be strikingly dramatic. It doesn't move me like it used to. I just find it artistically and aesthetically appealing.

This is a close-up detail photo of the Rosary draped around the hands of the statue of Mary that's the main focus of the grotto on the grounds of my alma mater, Dominican University in River Forest, IL.

Next to the grotto was a major makeout place, a hill in a secluded part of campus that was the destination of many canoodling couples. My first date with my first boyfriend ended up there, but I didn't get so much as a kiss. Instead, we lay on the grass looking up at the sky, while I couldn't help wondering if he'd ever roll over and lay one on me, already. I was all dressed up and everything, dammit!

Such a fool that one was. He didn't. At least on that occasion. It's still a nice memory, though. One of the only pleasant times I had with the one I not only let get away, but threw away with great force. A very wise move, as it turned out.

The grotto was never so much a religious spot for me as it was a contemplative one. I walked out there when there was something bothering me, when I had a heavy burden on my mind and needed a little alone time to think things through.

It was tranquil there, and it still is.

I was the only one there this morning, just after dawn when I walked around the campus. The ground was still muddy from winter, and a couple piles of snow still lay on the ground, but the tranquility was, for lack of a better term, heavenly.

In spring they plant flowers by the grotto, filling the space with color. Now it's uniform grey and brown, dull as the end of winter always is.

But it's still a beautiful place, a place of peace and tranquility.

Today's 7 Bits of Grace

1. Publishers, and the delightful books they send me for review! It can get overwhelming, but the piles are a beauteous bounty. And yeah, I know. This isn't the first time I've been grateful for them. Occasionally everyone has re-runs.

2. The outlet of art. I'm fortunate I can blow off proverbial steam in writing, especially, but I also plan to indulge my love of creating in other ways in the near future.

3. Spring break!!! No grad school classes for me this week.

4. A family day scheduled for Good Friday. No idea what we'll do, but I'm sure we'll find us some fun.

5. Lay's potato chips! Nothing goes better with my daily turkey sandwich, though I'm *supposed* to be eating carrots instead...

6. Friends. And green beer.

7. Antacids. And sleep.

The zen of sleeping in

Didn't make UUC services this morning, as we were out late last night par-taying it up for St. Paddy's Day. My best galpal from college and her beau came along with us to see comedian (a loose term, as it turns out) Colin Quinn perform locally. After that, as it was a holiday and all, we went to our local microbrew restaurant for a few "samples." Several plastic glasses, much loud, live music and loud namings of anatomical parts later, we realized how late it really was (an astounding 1:00 a.m.) and had to head home. Luckily, for us the drive was short. Unluckily for galpal 'n beau, not so short.

Anyhoo, I'm upright and dressed today, but with a pounding headache starting at the base of my skull. Tra la!

So, nothing of a truly spiritual nature to talk about today. Spirits, yes, but not so much spiritual, unless you count the wisdom found at the bottom of a glass. At times that's not to be underestimated, I'll grant you that, but for today I'm just nursing my exhaustion and looking forward to a good nap.

Hopefully you can find some inspiration in that, though God knows what it would be. Good times, good friends, bad stand-up comedy. Green beer, interesting Irish-inspired headgear and lots of laughs. It's a good thing.

Hangin' in

" The horizon leans forward, offering you space to place new steps of change."

- Maya Angelou


A thought occurred to me today. They tend to do that sometimes. I realized I've been saying "hang in there" to a lot of people lately, friends or acquaintances having difficulties with a wide variety of things, dragging them down. It's my form of counseling, my attempt to enforce my hope the person will find strength when he or she needs it, so they can cope with difficult times. It's a catch-all phrase most of us use from time to time, a sort of shoring up, letting the person know we care.

A lot of life is made up of hanging in there, basically waiting out tough times and hoping better things are right around the corner. Much like the time we spend waiting, whether in line or at the doctor's office, whatever, this "hanging in there" time is a sort of dead time, a time of suspension.

It also occurred to me, what a waste this time can be. It's stagnant and unmoving as we resort to some sort of primal hibernation instinct, a self-protecting reflex designed to prevent us from any more harm while we work out what's first and foremost on our minds.

What I do when I'm faced with a big life challenge like this is journal about it. I like to look at things from a variety of perspectives, taking the different sides of myself into account and commenting to my core, my "higher self" as it's so commonly called, talking things out until I feel I have a better idea what's going on. Often when you really dig into things solutions will occur to you, or sometimes just temporary patches that will make things feel a little better and allow you to move on.

We all have those dead times in our lives, whole weeks and months, sometimes years when we're static, making little or no forward progress whatsoever. The evil in that is it's time you can't get back, no matter how much you may wish it. We know the best thing to do is to get unstuck and move forward, but that's so much easier said than done. For the time that is gone, that we can't get back, the important thing is to figure out the lesson and move forward as positively as you can. But while you're stuck, it's equally important to work hard to dislodge yourself, moving out of the rut as best you can and as quickly as possible.

Maybe I should change my "hang in there" phrase to something more like, "write on!" or "talk it through." It occurs to me now that telling someone to essentially stay in place, hoping life will step in and move them forward may not be the best idea after all. Getting them unstuck is much more crucial, helping them through the rough patch until they can find a new grip on things.

Funny how sometimes the most common, everyday things we say suddenly become epiphanies when we really stop to think about them. That's another step toward the goal of the life that's lived, rather than the life spent waiting around for something to happen. And I'm not some guru, not some perfect person (ask my husband, he'll tell you...), but I have found becoming more conscious of every little thing can lead to a whole lot of bigger ones.

So, don't necessarily just hang in there when life gets tough. That's my advice. Write it out, talk it out, think it through, whatever's your style. And keep moving forward.

Today's 7 Bits of Grace

1. Whipping the younger of our two dogs into a frenzy is not only fun, but damn funny. It doesn't matter what you say so long as you say it in a really, really excited voice. Lia seldom fails to entertain (save when she craps on the floor).

2. Sunny and 55 degrees today! After a long winter that was just what the doctor ordered.

3. Brownies, glorious brownies.

4. A health club membership, to counteract the effects of # 3. Well, only if I haul ass OVER there. But I know it's there. That's the good part.

Right?

5. Dress pants with just enough spandex in them so the dryer doesn't shrink them as much as it might otherwise. (See # 4)

6. Writing in my journal, and the release that gives.

7. An interview with a Booker Prize winner! I can't complain. (Well, maybe I won't go that far.)

Thursday? GACK!, and recalling a dream

I would have sworn it was just Sunday yesterday, the day I go for my latest dose of UUC. I planned to post here immediately after that, but life, dear reader, most decidedly got in my way. It can be such a bitch that way.

Anyhoo, too busy now to really update you much, but I did want to report this wild dream I had, mostly so I can remember it.

I dreamed I was married to Michael Jordan, yes the former basketball player. Michael and I were in the basement dungeon (?) of our palatial home when I realized we had both a tiger and a lion running through the place. The beasts were threatening our pets and children, so I knew something had to be done. Michael jumped up, grabbed the beasts, and somehow locked them in a closet. Now, that was resourceful and all, but I somehow didn't trust a wooden door to keep us all safe. So I gathered up all the children and our pets and started up the stairs to get out of the house, while Michael kept that closet door closed. He's so selfless that way!

Then I realized our cats had had kittens (for the record, we own two MALE cats in real life - two neutered male cats) and these were running all over the place. I had to grab every one of them. I was scared to death they'd be eaten! So I eventually did get them, and headed up the stairs to safety, though I did still worry about Michael.

Then I woke up, to my real life husband shaking my shoulder saying, "Oh my God, it's 7:30! Wake up!"

Fun to have a weird ass dream I can actually remember. Usually they go POOF as soon as I wake up. This was one of those groggy, fall back asleep and dream dreams, and I was able to recall it this time around.

That's it for now. Will return with more thoughts spiritual, and another list of 7, when I can.